**SPOILER: It’s “Kill Humans”**

Do you remember the pivotal events of the first couple seasons of Battlestar Galactica? The high drama, the gripping action, the captivatingly soapy relationships? If your answer is no, then this clip show movie is for you. Conversely, if you do remember them, but felt they would be improved by Cavil lurking in the back of every scene, masterminding every turn of events like a children’s cartoon villain, I guess you should check this out too. Otherwise, don’t bother.

In all seriousness, this is a terrible movie. It has no pacing, a message that I saw coming a week before I started even watching this movie, and gratuitous sex. Ok, sure, the last part isn’t all bad, including a sex scene with Olmos’ (hot) wife, but it’s still pretty laughable. On top of all that, this movie commits two cardinal sins that make it nearly unwatchable.

Sin #1: It answers questions I didn’t care to have answered.

“I should have turned it off right then, but I was laughing too hard to reach the remote.”

• Did you ever wonder where the five that blew himself up on Galactica some time early on in the show got his explosives? Neither did I, but given what you’ve already read in this article, I’ll give you one guess.
• Did you ever wonder how exactly Boomer’s sleeper status worked? Neither did I, because it seemed pretty fucking self-explanatory. But forget the obvious, because there’s a longer, dumber explanation for what was going on behind the scenes of that plot line.
• Did you ever wonder if the ships had randomly placed, unguarded airlocks all over them? Well in this movie they certainly seem to, and boy do people get blown out of them without anyone else noticing.
• Did you ever wonder how the Six that accuses Gaius of being a traitor “disappeared” without a trace? (SPOILER I guess) She literally ducked around a corner. And then she was blown out of an airlock.

I could continue, but you’re probably as bored reading this as I was watching this movie. So lets move on to

Sin #2: Introducing a major character that obviously did not exist in the show, but given her importance in this movie, probably would have come up.

• So introducing minor character while filling in back story is ok, it’s something that’s done, and it’s not too big of a deal. There’s an orphaned (or just unwanted?) kid introduced in this movie, for example, and he’s a minor enough character that I can accept his existence, despite the fact that his storyline is pretty pointless. However, there is a second character introduced in this movie that is just too much.
• Olmos’ wife plays a mechanic who becomes extremely close friends with the Chief. Ok, sure, in the larger scheme of things she doesn’t actually do anything that important, but around the time they were sharing a sexually charged kiss, I had to wonder, where the hell was she during the show? I haven’t seen this much revisionist history since Spiderman 3, and the only thing that redeemed that was the rifftrax jokes.

In conclusion, let me revisit a scene that happens fairly early on in the movie. The Cylons on Galactica get together in Cavil’s church for a planning meeting, the scene you might assume this entire movie is named after. And it basically goes like this:

Cavil: “The plan was to have all the humans immediately dead! But these ones are still alive! Five, one of your models fucked up earlier, so go blow yourself up. Six, go discredit Baltar. Other six, I guess you’ll just sleep with me since I’ve already got another six on the case. We need to KILL these DAMN HUMANS! Also, I’ve got a sleeper agent I’ll talk to later on.”

So yeah, that’s the big reveal. Much like a microcosm of the movie itself, it’s a lot of huffing and puffing about nothing in particular.

Rating: Do Not Watch This!

Sure, maybe you’re a fan of the show and you’re thinking, “He’s just overstating his case to make what would be an otherwise boring review mildly entertaining,” but I assure you that’s not the case. Here’s a final piece of evidence, just in case you’re not convinced. There is an actual scene in this film where the Pyramid coach uses his skills to throw a Pyramid ball loaded with explosives through a tiny hole in a supply container to blow it up. After a teammate has jumped on top of a firing Cylon machine gun to save him. I should have turned it off right then, but I was laughing too hard to reach the remote.

(And if you’re an ultra fan who will watch this no matter what, please just don’t buy it. This sort of cash in should not be encouraged.)