Listening to your local album rock radio station is a lot like re-watching the classic Star Wars trilogy for the umpteenth time: surprise and better taste leave the building in favor of comfortable nostalgia. You know every line, every scene by heart but who cares? You’re watching the visual equivalent of comfort food, Felini and the Criterion collection be damned.

You’ve been warned; you can never “unlisten” this song.

There can be nothing greater then when said album rock station is pumping out those totally ass kicking songs that fit almost any situation or mood; your girlfriend just broke up with you but who cares? “Immigrant Song” followed by “Sweet Leaf” and “Thunderstruck!?!?!” YESS!!! There is no greater affront, however, when this parade of absolute awesomeness is unceremoniously snapped by Ronnie James Dio howling about magical demon beasts or Don Henley lamenting those Boys of Summer. This then, dear readers, is a summary execution list of those most egregious and mind numbing “classic” rock songs still getting valuable air time to this day. May this article aid us all and help end the stranglehold of terrible rock songs upon our collective consciousness!

Gregg Allman – I’m No Angel

Holding the esteemed honor of being the weakest sounding song about being a tough badass ever created, “I’m No Angel” is unforgivable, mind-rending idiocy. From it’s pleasant, mid tempo guitar solos to the sprightly cow bell politely being knocked in the background, this song drips with everything you hate about humanity, especially the legions of tatted up douche-bag biker types living this song as their personal mantra and credo. Check out the poetry of this lyric: “No I`m no stranger to the dark/Let me rock your cradle/Let me start a fire with your spark/Oh come on baby/Come and let me show you my tattoo/Let me drive you crazy/Come on and love me baby”. Yes. Seriously. It wouldn’t be half as moronic if there were some masturbatory face shredding guitar solos or at least a hint of musical aggression to be found, but Allman keeps it real for all the middle-aged sleazebags out there who get off on slipping roofies to the human driftwood populating the local bar scene. “I’m No Angel” is musical proof that there is a God and he hates us. You’ve been warned; you can never “unlisten” this song.

John Fogerty- Centerfield

John Fogerty’s loving tribute to the sport of baseball also doubles as a saccharin, maudlin aural offense that dares you to repress your gag reflex for an inhumanely long four and half minutes! Hearing the synthesized hand claps that open this gem always sent me screaming for the radio dial, a frenzied last ditch attempt to preserve myself from the noxious shit-eating-grin this song embodies. John Fogerty isn’t a bad artist by any stretch and CCR does have some totally awesome classic songs but “Centerfield” is a sentimental and hokey tribute to a game oft defined by its long stretches of sedentary nothingness, and, in this respect, Fogerty’s song succeeds in its aims as a paean to the lords of baseball. Stay on your toes and remain vigilant; it is the only way to avoid the mental molestation this song offers!

Boston – Rock N Roll Band

Boston’s first album was heralded far and wide as an incredible album when it was released in 1976, being the fastest selling record by an American group up to that point and eventually going 17 times platinum. The accolades are justly deserved when you take a gander at the opening trio of songs: “More Than A Feeling,” “Peace of Mind” and “Foreplay/Long Time” just rapid fire straight into your face! It’s an amazing start to an album and a greatness Boston would never reach again in its troubled and lawsuit hampered lifespan. So what does Tom Scholz follow up these undeniably classic songs with? “Rock & Roll Band,” a lifeless, neutered, cheap reassembling of the three tracks you just heard. I mean, seriously, this is the sonic equivalent of a toothless zombie/poorly assembled Frankenstein (Which one works better here?) , shoddily constructed and reeking of good ideas put once more through the ringer and left to rot. “Rock & Roll Band” signals the halfway mark on the LP but you wouldn’t be so far off if you thought your record had skipped back to the start and hit random marks over the opening half of the album. Take the guitar trill of “More Than A Feeling”, maintain the same cadence and rhythm of “Peace of Mind,” top it off with some moronic lyrics about life on the road and you’ve got yourself a real stinker of a track from a good album.

Guns N’ Roses – Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door

Is it just me or does it seem like whenever there involves a dramatic and possible death-in-the-family moment in the televised realm this song is predictably lolling around in the background, fading in and out to punctuate the more intense moments? Now, the original Bob Dylan tune isn’t so bad and I think I despise the above-mentioned context of it’s usage rather than its actual construction and execution. There is nothing commendable, however, about Paxil Rose’s mumblings over the height of butt rock musical pomposity. Can you feel it?!?! The emotion!!! They’re knocking on Heaven’s Door Man!!! Cue Slash guitar solo! I find that this fan made clip show over the original song does a bang-up job of summarizing just what is so wretched about this cover. Any semblance of delicacy or emotion inherent within the original is burnt away, unable to withstand the cock rock onslaught monstrosity Guns N’ Roses have so mercilessly laid to tape.

Black Oak Arkansas – Jim Dandy to the rescue

Seeming as if it was constructed by sadistic demon lords dwelling deep within the Goetia, “Jim Dandy to the Rescue” can be considered a reasonable case for committing suicide. This song is TERRIBLE! Nails upon numerous chalk boards fail to replicate the grating, keeing tone Ruby Starr uses to tear apart what little vestiges of sanity you still had before listening to this song. It’s not so much annoying as it is viscerally offensive to take, punishing your mind for all two and a half minutes of its running time. The four bar blues was never before rendered so impossibly inane and the saddest part is this monstrosity used to be a somewhat decent tune. Originally sung by LaVern Baker, “Jim Dandy” isn’t a paragon of musical achievement but it manages to be listenable, a vital attribute Black Oak Arkansas’ “version” is tragically (for the listener) missing.

Grand Funk Railroad – We’re an American Band

YEEHAAAAAA!!! Frat Party, BRO! Grand Funk Railroad’s maddeningly inescapable ultra mega hit sounds like a box of rocks and is about as fun, too. Detailing the wild life one can find on “the road”, the unappealingly crass depiction of groupies and substance abuse sounds more like a PSA warning then a fun time party classic. Serving as Grand Funk’s first number one single, “We’re an American Band” truly signaled the decline of the group’s artistry as covers of “The Locomotion” and a much-needed break up soon followed. The stench of this song lingers to this day, however, and has proved to be as impossible to forget as Elian Gonzalez and bridge safety throughout the United States. No, wait…

Bon Jovi – Wanted Dead or Alive

“I’m a Cowboy! ON A STEEEEL HORSE I RIDE!!!!” “Wanted Dead or Alive” is in strong contention to out-butt rock every other butt rock classic on this list. This song bleeds POWER BALLAD as your brain bleeds from the hemorrhage it just sustained, trying to comprehend how something so melodramatic could be written about essentially nothing. The song in summary: Life is hard on the road, especially if you’re a rebel like Bon Jovi and his crew. The vacuous nature of this song is only exacerbated by how prevalent it is in movies, tv, and video games, placing it high upon the list of songs you just don’t want to hear but are fated to do so, perhaps multiple times per day. If only life imitated art in this instance, rendering Bon Jovi a fugitive from the justice of those with ears. Then would the world be made aright.